As I’m sitting here mindlessly watching the count down of the best 100 soaps on TV, a thought pops into my head. “Man, I wish I had some soap here now to wash out my bloody stomach with!”. I feel AWFUL! I start to take a mental photograph, telling myself that I have to remember exactly how bad I am feeling today – to help spur me on for the rest of the year. Its January first, I’m Thirty Three years young, sitting in a gorgeous deluxe hotel room on the coast, with a view to die for and the sounds of the sea lapping gently outside my window, the man I love and who has loved and cherished me for the past 6 years lying next to me and yet I feel like a complete and utter failure. My left leg is throbbing from my hip down to the ankle (a pain that started when I put the weight on and that is getting worse by the extra pound!), my entire body is sore, I ache all over (I’ve got Fibromyalgia – which too only came with the weight), my tummy is the size of the world AND to top it all off, I can actually feel my food sitting in my throat. I’m so full my stomach has bubbled over and now I’ve got stodge backed up all the way to the rooftop!
This has got to stop. I can feel the gluttony of the past few days, heck who am I kidding – the past few YEARS! rising in my throat. I can’t believe we just went out for a meal even though the pair of us were so bloody full from the fish and chips we had at lunch that we could barely fit any of the Seabass or Aubergine Gratin into our mouths!
“Didn’t stop you stuffing a few extra chips in though did it eh?”
And I remember the salad that sat at the edge of the plate, untouched – yet all of the Seabass and its crispy fried skin fitted in alright! All washed down with a “Diet” coke. ha – the irony. 🙂
As I’m sitting here, and we’re managing to push in a few more Celebrations I realise – I’ve got to do something. And THIS TIME – it HAS to last. Please Dear God, let it last!
7 years ago – I lost all the weight. I got down – briefly – to 10 stone. I fitted into all my beautiful clothes again. The beautiful clothes that have been filling bin bags and going mouldy in the loft for the last few years. As I remember my gorgeous dog tooth pencil skirt that my beautiful Grandmother gave to me and the 1930’s chequered dress I only ever managed to wear once and all the other beautiful second hand, thrift store finds that I love, that bring back beautiful memories, that help me show my colourful interest in all things Old off to the world, I start to feel even more sad. Bet they are all ruined now, sitting in bin bags in the loft.
My wardrobe currently consists of 4 pairs of the same black (stretchy waistband) trousers and the brown dress. The same bloody brown dress that has featured in every single (unwanted) photograph thats been taken of me in the last 3 years. I can’t do another New Years Eve in the bloody brown dress! AND Asda don’t even sell my stretchy waistband pants any more and I need some new ones for work as they are getting holey! ARG!!
So this time, I’m going to try again. 2015 taught me Acceptance. 2016 will teach me Self Discipline, once again – I’ve turned my life around before (many times – and not just with weight) so I know I can do it again. 🙂
LETS BLOODY DO THIS! YEA!